As I wrote earlier, getting out of the Estonian bubble has been more time-consuming this time. For the kids, too. About two weeks after leaving, they experienced a mental breakdown: I miss our malamute (who lives with grandpa), I miss our cat (who’s spending the winter comfortably in the capital of Estonia), I miss my friends (greetings to Kerttu and Marko and their parents), I miss my grandparents, our old home, my bed, and my wardrobe! Previously, this mental breakdown happened around the fourth or fifth day. This time, they were so excited beforehand that the collapse came much later, and only for Indy.
This time, we left Estonia differently, knowing we no longer have a place to return to (they’re planning to build a wind park on government land next to our home), plus the whole farce and public shaming from the municipality. Now, three weeks after leaving home, I’ve reached my mental breakdown (as mentioned in an earlier blog post 😉). What will become of us?
Previously, we visited Greece to get to know the way of life and make plans. This time, we left knowing that we had no future in Estonia. Tonight, on January 5th, a tear came to my eye as I realized I no longer had a home. Estonia’s future looks bleak; I’m unwanted there because of my views that don’t fit into society. (After a protest in front of the parliament, I wasn’t even given emergency medical care at the ER.) We have a bad neighbor country, and the future is dark. Dreams there have no potential to come true. And now, here I sit, wondering what I want to do.
On the one hand, I’m furious about the motocross track! And angry at Tuljo! (That will ease 😀). I wasted 15 years of my life that didn’t bring me even a step closer to my ambitions or dreams. Because of my work, I’m now seen by the Estonian state as a criminal and an enemy.
When I first met Tuljo, after my time at Autobild and Kalev Media’s Auto-Moto magazine, and later my attempt to publish my own magazine in collaboration with two colleagues, my ambition was to one day run my own motorcycle magazine. But when you wait that long, the butterfly on your shoulder takes flight. Back then, I gave up on my desires and wanted to be a good partner, helping him realize and achieve his dreams. That turned into an endless cycle of work that didn’t move us forward in life. My infinite waiting for the day it would be my turn.
After eight years, I agreed to start a family. After the second child, Tuljo was finally ready to give me my time and said, “Alright then, work on your magazine.” I gave it a chance back then. And then, one day, two unexpected lines appeared on a pregnancy test. Life had other plans again. I guess that’s how it was meant to be, and I’m happy because I wouldn’t have dared to make such a decision on my own 🙂.
But now I’m here in Greece, where all the stakes are essentially on me. After 15 years of investing in something that led us nowhere, it’s time to work on the blog, the magazine, and everything else I’ve wanted. And now comes my breakdown. The thing I’ve waited for so long is finally here, and I’m trying to achieve it alongside family life—excuse me, but it’s not the same anymore. I’m a mom who has become so distant from motorcycles and journalism that I no longer know how to achieve what I could have at the right time. I don’t even remember what I dreamed about anymore. I don’t know who or what I am at all 😀.
And here I sit. Little Eli approached the door, and I didn’t want to go inside. Now she’s crying, and I must interrupt my train of thought again because Daddy’s comfort isn’t enough. How could I possibly create or do anything? I feel like everything is on my shoulders—go on, chase your dreams, and bring in income for us. Time has passed. I’ve changed, and the things I thought about back then don’t work today. How is it that I helped… and now I feel it’s my responsibility to figure out what happens to us?
Here I sit. Today, for the first time in Greece, a tear came to my eye, and I broke down. What am I supposed to do now?
I wrote this post that evening, tearful and emotional. Looking back now, I see that allowing yourself to feel emotional is okay. Today, I’m no longer as upset or tearful. I got it out of my system. My thoughts became clearer, though there’s still work to do to gain complete clarity. Today, I feel like my task is to assert myself and truly take this chance to create something amazing! I’ll start with myself, and then we’ll see what can be shared outward.
I stumbled upon an incredible training program online—leo.moves on Instagram. In addition to rebuilding my mental health, I also need to get my physical health back. This randomly discovered training seems like precisely what I’d enjoy.
My Lessons:
- Don’t put yourself or your dreams on the back burner for someone else—stay true to yourself.
- If you want something, say it! Make your wishes clear to your loved ones, whether it’s your time or something else. Don’t play the victim or assume things. Speak up!
- Consider carefully where and why you’re investing your resources—will it ultimately serve your personal goals?
- Don’t be overly sure about anything, and don’t invest too much in things that don’t belong to you, even if it’s out of good intentions or the desire to help.
- Don’t listen to others too much! Hear them out, but ultimately, do what feels right to you 😊.
This is quite an emotional post, but that’s just how I am—emotional. And it’s worth allowing yourself to be that way. It clears the mind. Recently, during the full moon, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was a whirlwind of ideas. Some seemed valuable, and I’ll share them with you eventually!
For those who don’t know, I’ve created a collection of empowering thoughts for myself to lean on. You can find it here: https://wonderfullife.motospirit.ee/
Yours truly,
Maria
